How to actually ask for help when you feel overwhelmed

It dawned on me recently that I’m terrible at asking for help. But to be honest, I never really needed to read about others. However, earlier this year I did developed pregnancy complications which required me to go on “modified bed rest” – a medical recommendation to limit your activity levels. If I want a hearty home-cooked meal, someone will have to cook for me. My partner had to take over my dog ​​walking responsibilities. I needed help changing my sheets, cleaning my apartment, bringing in packages and shopping.

Asking for help, I discovered, is extremely difficult. Doing so puts you in a vulnerable position that can fuel intense feelings of failure and shame, especially in a place like the United States, where social norms emphasize independence. Feeling anxious about needing help is also common if you are a perfectionist who likes to be in control, are part of a marginalized group conditioned to feel like a burden, or have a history of neglect or abuse and have learned not to rely on others, says Janelle Peifera licensed clinical psychologist and associate professor at the University of Richmond.

This can be true regardless of your exact situation. Maybe you’re really struggling after being laid off or divorced. Or maybe you just need a quick favor like an extra pair of hands packing up your apartment or a new set of eyes on your resume. Either way, it can feel uncomfortable.

But depending on others doesn’t have to be so scary, and with a little preparation and a few shifts in your perspective, it can become not only easier, but also a powerful way to strengthen your connections. May I present: A quick guide to not shrinking into yourself next time you need something from someone. Here we go:

Think about how good it feels to help others

When I first started reaching out to friends for favors, I felt like I was very inconvenient for them. “If you’re someone who hasn’t asked for help much or often, then it’s a big, scary thing to do,” Cassidy Dallasa psychotherapist in Westford, Massachusetts, tells Vox.

Something that helped me get over that discomfort is to reflect on times I’ve helped other people – and I highly recommend you do the same. Maybe you helped a friend get ready to defend their master’s thesis, cooked a meal for a family member when they were sick, or simply brought in a neighbor’s package. You probably didn’t feel like that person was a needy pest. The most likely scenario is that you felt good afterward, which is probably exactly how your crew feels when they do something for you, Dallas says.

Research shows that lending a helping hand – whether it’s by volunteering, donating blood, donating money or just making small gestures – is a powerful mood booster. This is because your body releases feel-good chemicals, such as oxytocin (the love hormone), dopamine (a neurotransmitter linked to reward and pleasure), and serotonin (another mood-boosting hormone). In fact, many say they get a “helper’s high” when they give back.

Make a list of the tasks you need help with

Take a minute to write down all the tasks you need help with, and be as clear and specific as possible. The more abstract your requests are, the harder it is for others to understand what you actually need and the less likely those tasks are to get done, says Peifer.

For example, if you’re having surgery, you might want 10 freezer meals. Or if you’re picking up extra shifts at work to pay for an unexpected and very expensive car repair, you might ask a neighbor to walk your dog at lunchtime. If nothing immediately comes to mind, sit down with a good friend, partner or therapist and make a list, says Peifer.

Having a “menu” of questions ready to go will prevent you from drawing a blank the next time someone asks the loaded question, “How can I help?” said Peifer. Instead, you’ve already become comfortable recognizing your needs and will be able to respond with a clear, actionable request.

Think about who might be best suited for each task

Once you’ve filled out your to-do list, think about who is best suited for each item, says Dallas. For example, my mom is an excellent deep cleaner, my dad is an A+ dog walker, and my sister-in-law loves to cook.

“People take on different roles. You don’t need someone to be everything to you,” says Peifer. Playing to someone’s strengths shows that you see and appreciate who they are, she adds, and increases the likelihood that they’ll enjoy helping. Better yet, it can be a practice in gratitude for you too, reminding you how many people you have in your corner, says Dallas.

Pay attention to the little clues people share about what they enjoy, suggests Dallas. Maybe a friend casually told you that they love to drive—a hint that they’d be happy to give you a ride to the grocery store—or mentioned how much fun they have spending time with kids, indicating that they might make a great babysitter. And if you’re unsure, it’s perfectly fine to ask what they would enjoy doing.

Choose an “assistant advocate”

Even if you make the list and play to people’s strengths, you may still find it difficult to receive help (I know I do). Friends often come in and ask if there’s anything they can do for me… and I imagine them chugging a tray of lasagna on the subway from Manhattan to Jersey City and telling them, “I’m fine!”

This is where an assistant attorney—or designated person to delegate tasks—can be extremely beneficial, Peifer says. Perhaps your partner, a best friend or a family member steps into the role. This way you don’t have to tell people directly what you need if you have it collected. You make the list, you share it with your point person, and they coordinate the help, says Peifer.

Know your limits – and when help is needed

If you are going through a rough patch or are generally overwhelmed with everything, you may find it difficult to determine what you are even capable of. “People tend to overestimate what they’re going to get done in a certain amount of time or what they can achieve,” says Peifer. As such, you may suspect that you are capable of, say, keeping up with your typical job responsibilities when you simply are not.

To avoid this, Peifer recommends setting some parameters in advance—ie, “if/then statements”—that will help you recognize your own limits. For example, if you go three days without eating dinner, then it’s time to ping a friend and ask for help in coming up with some tasty and easy meals. Emotionally, maybe you find it hard to get out of bed every morning or cry several times a day. “These are all early indicators that it’s time to engage in your help-seeking behavior,” says Peifer.

Setting these parameters when you’re in a clearer headspace will give you the tools to know when it’s officially time to reach out, Peifer says. That way, you’ll be ready to ask for and receive support before your situation escalates into a full-blown crisis. And if you can’t because something unexpected has happened, keep an eye on how you’re doing to meet your basic needs: If you’re having trouble eating, sleeping, waking up, going to work, or completing basic hygiene and cleanliness tasks, it’s probably a sign that you could use some support.

Take a step back and look at the big picture

When you really go through it, you may feel like you’re more of a problem than a joy to be around. As such, it can be easy to overlook what you bring to the table, says Dallas. But your relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. The people who show up for you aren’t going to like you any less or disappear after bringing over a loaf of frozen ziti. Yes, you may be the one who needs help now, but one day they will have to read about you.

This is not to say that you should think transactionally about the exchange of goods and services – as in, They are helping me now and I will return the favor as soon as I can. In fact, Dallas advises against it. Instead, remind yourself that this is how close, trusting long-term relationships work, Dallas says, and what connection and community are all about. And by trusting others to show up, you actually strengthen your bonds, Peifer adds.

If you feel tender after receiving support, welcome to the club. It’s strange. Be kind to yourself, says Dallas, and consider planning a joyful activity that you can look forward to after you get through whatever tough thing you’re dealing with. If you get it in your head that your friend is feeling burdened, consider telling them how vulnerable you feel, adds Dallas. It can also be a good time to let your people know how much you appreciate them. Write a thank you card (my go-to move) or simply tell them you’re glad they’re in your life.

Other than that, know that the dirty feelings will go away. Asking for help may never come naturally (I’m still waiting for that liberating moment!) but it also doesn’t have to be the worst thing you do when you’re already down and out.