Am I the friend? How to have less selfish relationships.

friendship expert Danielle Bayard Jackson recently came to a realization about her social media involvement: Every time she posts content that centers the viewer as the wrong party to the story she’s telling—like how to know if your friends vent too much or why your friendship expectations feel the same – it performs very well with her more than 420,000 followers instagram and TikTok.

“We tend to really notice when we’re done wrong, when others forget about us,” Jackson said. “We are the center of the story.”

These numbers are part of a larger shift that Jackson and other experts have observed when it comes to modern friendship. These relationships are increasingly seen as something to engage in when it is convenient or beneficial – specifically when it is beneficial for you. In short, friendship today has a touch of selfishness. Everyone wants to have good friends, but are less concerned about how to be a good friend

Most people say friendship is important to thembut often act in ways that contradict that sentiment. We want friends to show up to our birthday parties, but might not bat an eye at canceling them. We crave connection, but only want to hang out if it’s at the right time, right place, and with the right people. Otherwise, it is much more tempting to stay at home. “The socializing opportunity must be so overwhelmingly positive or attractive that it will tip the scales,” William Chopikan associate professor of social and personality psychology at Michigan State University, told Vox. And platonic relationships are still common considered secondary to romanticmere nice-to-haves to fill the hours when your partner is busy.

The inherent self-centeredness of social media, where you are the main characterand the popularity of AI chatbots which is always available and never tired of hearing about your lifecan also skew our idea of ​​what it means to be a friend. One of Chopik’s students casually likened friends to NPCs—a non-playable character that populates the background of a video game—as if your BFFs didn’t have an inner life or purpose of their own. While you are certainly the main character in your own life, you are not the center of your friends’ world.

Selfishness is the biggest contributor to friendship breakdownaccording to behavioral science research, which means that stepping outside yourself and making an effort to be a good boyfriend can be the difference between a lasting friendship and a failed one. Selflessness does not mean people pleasers or a doormat; it’s more about considering how you can enrich your friends’ lives to nurture goodwill. And that involves looking at what you bring to the table instead of just thinking about what your friends can offer you.

Will you be friends with you?

People often consider how their friends can complement or support their lives, but don’t think about whether they will meet the same standards. Jackson suggests getting specific with all the qualities you look for in a friend: a good listenersupportive, doesn’t cancel plans, offers tangible support when needed, among other things. “Can anyone else say you’re doing a good job of actively meeting those things?” Jackson said.

If you reflect on this, you may begin to see areas where you can be a little more selfless. For example, every hangout with a particular friend involves getting dinner, for example, because you enjoy it, but you never stopped to ask if that’s what they wanted to do, or you assumed it was fine because they’d never pushed back. The relationship doesn’t just have to be on your terms.

Being a good friend is more than simply love for another person, which can be amorphous and difficult to define. Instead, think of concrete examples of what Jackson calls “inconveniences” to gauge the extent of your selflessness. A friend called in a panic about their sick child, and you helped talk them through the emotions. After a particularly hectic day, you attended a friend’s poetry reading on the other side of town. The goal here is to record tangible ways in which you have performed the work of friendship that only benefits the other person.

Of course, it is natural to focus on your own desires and preferences. But the people who are “communally motivated”—inspired to care about the welfare of others—tend to better relationships and are generally happier. “How can we be more communally motivated?” said Bonnie Lee, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. “I think of it as being attuned to what other people need.”

This could mean planning a home movie night for a friend who have lost their job and are looking to save money or think of other ways to cheer them up that you know they will really appreciate. You reflect on the context and constraints of their life to create a hangout that benefits them, even if it’s slightly inconvenient for you.

However, you can’t know for sure what’s going on in another person’s life until you ask. (This is especially true with new friends you don’t know well.) Think about the last time you inquired about how your friends were really do or follow up on something they shared weeks ago. When you hang out, who does all the talking? The relationship between sharing and listening generally needs to be balanced over the course of your friendship.

Relative parity is really the key. In her research, Jy found that people who are “selfless to the point of neglecting their own needs” and what is wrong with asking for help do not feel as satisfied with their lives compared to those who gave and received support. There will always be periods of give and take in long-term relationships—a friend going through a breakup will need your support, and they’ll ideally return the favor when the time comes—but in general, one person shouldn’t always be in the position of emotional caretaker.

Give and take is important, but healthy relationships don’t involve keeping score, he said Jaimie Arona Kremsan associate professor of psychology and the director of the UCLA Center for Friendship Research. “Yes, people notice how much their friends cost them and how much their friends benefit them. They’re not completely blind to that,” she said. But you probably won’t think much about these costs until your friend is absent when you need them most, and you realize how much you’ve been supporting them without ever being helped back. Although it seems counterintuitive, this willful ignorance is beneficial because once we recognize that our care and affection are conditional, the relationship becomes transactional.

Reframe selfishness as something that actually improves friendships

Friendship and goodwill is an investment – and in a sense it is a little selfish. Sure, it has the potential to do a lot for someone else; they feel support, validate and, yes, entertain. But it’s also good for you personally. It is uplifting and energizing, makes you happy, gives you an opportunity to ventilate, and give your life meaning. If you need a reason to be more selfless when it comes to the happiness and well-being of your friends, remember that the the same goodwill eventually returns.

“It pays to help your friends, even when your friends don’t know you’re helping them, just as it pays to nurture an oak tree whose shade you benefit from,” Krems said. “Your nurturing of that tree benefits you through that tree’s growth—and in the same way your nurturing of your friends will come back to you.”

This cycle is driven by trust. You trust that your friends will continue to show up for you, they will prioritize your preferences and show curiosity in your life as much as you do theirs. Getting to this point takes time and shows up repeatedly, even when there is nothing immediate to gain. “When you have two selfless people, like in a marriage, who want to outdo each other,” Jackson said, “then, man, there’s so much freedom in not having to do the mental labor of figuring out whose turn it was, who did more than the other.” Because contrary to what social media would have us believe, friendship is a two-way street, not a self-serving enterprise.