What to talk about in therapy when there is nothing going on

Most weeks when I meet with my therapist, she tries an aspect of my life that is actively bursting at the seams – my inability to talk rationally about, say, politics, or the state of my personal finances. But every now and then life feels uneventful, and I go into sessions with nothing to talk about. On a number of occasions I considered canceling these appointments. Why waste 45 minutes of my time and spend $30 on a copy when I feel good and have nothing to say?

But according to the two therapists I spoke to for this story, these seemingly boring sessions can be incredibly informative and impactful. In fact, shooting the crap with your therapist can strengthen your bond, help them see how you function during periods of calm, and uncover unaddressed issues. As Claudia Giolitti-Wright, the founder and clinical director of Psychotherapy for young women in New York City, Vox reports, “Sessions where a client says, ‘I have nothing to talk about’ — they’re rarely empty. They often reveal something.” So much so, in fact, that I left these two interviews convinced that the easy breezy dates are just as important as the turbulent ones. Here’s why.

Therapists see this all the time – and they know how to deal

If, like me, you often start your sessions by apologizing that you have “nothing going on,” consider this permission to not worry or feel uncomfortable. Matt Sosnowsky, a psychotherapist and the founder of Philadelphia Talk Therapysays he hears this from patients all the time, and it’s not a big deal. Therapists are specifically trained to deal with this kind of silence.

“Often I’ll just ask them for an update on what’s going on,” he says. With clients who are there to work on a specific issue, he will follow up on the topics they have been working through. With other patients, he will keep things more open, asking about work, their general mood or their relationships to keep the conversation flowing. That is to say: Don’t sweat it if you’re not prepared. You don’t have to show up ready to perform or impress, says Giolitti-Wright. Your therapist knows what to do and say.

Dates where you have “nothing to talk about” create space for overlooked issues to surface

Even if you consider yourself highly self-aware and feel clear about the reasons you’re in therapy, there are almost always deeper, buried issues that you’ve overlooked, dismissed, or completely avoided. As you begin to speak, even if it feels like you’re saying nothing of value, these underlying issues often come to the surface. Sometimes these issues naturally bubble up—as Giolitti-Wright says, people will start ranting about, say, how they bought a Christmas tree, but then “talk about the deepest shit.”

Even when it doesn’t, your therapist is trained to pick up on subtle cues—like shifts in body language, tone, and posture—that indicate you’re struggling with something. Sosnowsky calls these clues “gates of entry.” “It’s often invasive to learn about what you’re wearing that you might not even notice,” he says, and your therapist will likely use it to dig deeper.

For example, if you let out a big exhale while talking about work, Sosnowsky might say, “I noticed that deep sigh, what’s that about?” or ask more targeted questions about your work. Then you’re off to the races. This creates an opportunity for you to explore something you may not have fully considered or avoided altogether, says Sosnowsky.

After all, these simmering problems tend to affect your mood and choices on a regular basis more than the obvious catastrophes, adds Giolitti-Wright. Addressing them early and proactively can help you and your therapist identify solutions for long-term relief and prevent them from snowballing into bigger, more difficult issues.

It’s good for your therapist to get a glimpse of your full personality

Many people, myself included, tend to see therapy as something to do when you’re dealing with something specific or when there’s an emergency. But this is a huge misconception, according to Giolitti-Wright. The goal of therapy is to improve your daily functioning, improve your quality of life and relieve symptoms such as irritability or hopelessness. To do this effectively, your therapist needs to see how you function as a whole person. As Giolitti-Wright puts it, “How you are when nothing is wrong or in crisis is as important as how you are in crisis.”

If your therapist only ever sees you during moments of extreme stress, it can actually be difficult for them to provide guidance that effectively addresses and resolves your long-term problems, she adds. By learning how you move through your day when things are good – and a sense of your strengths, your sense of humor, etc. to get – your therapist can provide personalized advice and spot patterns that may be contributing to recurring challenges.

Recognizing these patterns can reveal deeper, more systemic issues affecting your life, Sosnowsky says. What initially appears to be minor frustration with your new boss may actually stem from a more general resistance to change. These revelations “often just come from knowing what someone’s life is when they’re not fully invested in explaining to you their interpretation of a particular issue,” says Sosnowsky.

Your therapist can often see a rough patch coming before you do

One additional benefit of “talking about nothing” is that it can help your therapist pick up early signs of mental health conditions such as major depressive disorder or generalized anxiety disorder. Even if you’ve been doing well overall or your symptoms have been in remission, increasing stressors can gradually shift that balance, Sosnowsky says. Many people don’t recognize when they’re slipping into a depressed state, especially people whose states typically ebb and flow, he says.

Regular appointments, including those that seem unproductive, allow therapists to detect subtle changes over time — such as a shift from feeling stressed to hopeless — and notice when someone might be entering a more difficult period. This may lead your therapist to ask about your everyday habits – do you exercise? Sleep well? Eat enough? Do things for pleasure? — and discuss ways to prevent your symptoms from escalating, says Sosnowsky. As he puts it, these check-ins help you “get ahead of the depression, because it’s very difficult to treat when you’re in a full-blown depressive episode.” They may also ask your therapist to perform an assessment to determine if you may have an undiagnosed mental health disorder.

You will strengthen your relationship with your therapist – which is important in the long run

Your “nothing to talk about” sessions will at least strengthen the bond you have with your therapist. Although it may not seem that important, it is absolutely essential to have a strong relationship. Research indicates this relationship, dubbed the “therapeutic alliance,” is the most powerful determinant of how effective therapy will be for you. “You could argue it’s the single most important aspect of therapy, and not just in terms of the quality of the experience, but the actual efficacy of outcomes,” says Sosnowsky. The closer you feel to your therapist, the more trust, empathy and cooperation there will be, which ultimately help you open up more and experience personal growth.

One last thing to keep in mind: You don’t want to every single one appointment being pointless. If you constantly feel like you’re spinning your wheels or that your mental health is stagnant, it might be time to find a new therapist, says Sosnowsky. But if every now and then you feel like you spent $30 kicking back and gossiping with your therapist about your coworkers, rest assured that you’re still making good use of your time. Lifting heavy doesn’t always have to feel so heavy.